Honor Memorial Day!

I was watching Fox News the other day and I heard Col. Alan West say that he would prefer we say "Honor Memorial Day" rather than Happy Memorial Day. Most people think of it as the beginning of summer and forget what it truly means.

Updated blitherings....

Apparently this is a continuation of one I posted earlier! LOL Family means different things to different people. It amazes me, at times, how people form families. Whether they are blood-related, or they are close enough to be family to each other in the absence of one's blood-relatives, or they somehow connect through groups such as church, military, work, college, or other organizations such at AA, or NA. People form families because we cannot live without some sort of family. In my case, my family is complicated and complex and I'm not very close with any particular person outside of my own created family... and that even is strained. There seems to have appeared an impasse that has arisen and I'm not quite sure how to overcome it. Without exposing too much information to protect the innocent, because of my disabilities, I am not trustworthy to leave your children with. While I agree that there is much merit in this statement, depending on the age of the child and how prepared that child has been made on how to use a telephone (most kids don't know that they once hung on a wall and not in your pocket/purse). The other thing that is hard to swallow is that its ok for these same children to come if my husband is home, yet the same parent has made numerous comments about how he wanted everyone to come and then he disappears upstairs in his office the whole time. But he would be within earshot if you needed something... uh, no, he would be outside playing with his lawnmower, et al. Or be upstairs, on his computer and not at hand for any type of help. So, now that the dynamics of my family life have changed because of my disabilities, how do I proceed? I have a husband that says things like "you can do whatever you put your mind to" and says "you're depressed" when neither are true... unless that's his ultimate goal of me becoming depressed. I am scheduled for a pain pump trial and I have a plethora of paperwork to fill out BEFORE the appointment and then it states that there will be 45-50 minutes of paperwork to fill out at the appointment! As I read through the questions, I got angrier, and angrier, which he claims is a mood swing, at the invasiveness of the questions and the repetition of the questions. Keep in mind, I have been seeing doctors pertaining to my multiple problems for a number of years so my pain should be well documented. For some psychologist to as the same redundant questions is something I'm not willing to do. And even if I were willing, I don't know the date this pain first started, and the date that pain began, et al. And then the most intrusive questioning about our sex life. My answer to that is a resounding NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS! So, my husband groups me into a group of depressed people because I don't want to 'play nice in the sandbox of psychotherapy". I told him that he is welcome to fill out his own questionnaires and see how he feels but he's good at just fudging the info... if they ask a date, he'll make one up. Then, because I want to learn to shoot and to be armed at home and eventually getting a concealed carry permit. Disabled people are easy marks and we don't have to be! And when I joined a legitimate organizations, he hit the roof! He was afraid I would accidentally shoot him and the most insulting is that he is afraid I would shoot myself! I have no intentions of doing either! But since in his mind, I'm depressed, then I could lose it one day and just shoot myself. I reminded him that I'm on so many medications that if I really was interested in doing terminal harm to myself, its at my fingertips. So who is being illogical here? I'm on 33 medications of which 3 are OTC prescribed meds. Traditionally, women who want to kill themselves usually use meds to do it, not shooting themselves or hanging themselves. Are there variations, sure... but overall, its men that shoot themselves or hang themselves. (Interestingly, he's never mentioned the hanging option that I have at my fingertips every day... just shooting myself.) So here I am, rambling on and on about nothing others really care about. But its cathartic to me to some degree. I may have gotten some of it out, its still there, below the surface, always feeling misunderstood and being accused wrongly of things by those who claim to know me best? Really? I feel like you don't know me at all.

Blithering update!

So its been a while since I've blithered so I thought I'd take the time to update you on where I am in life right now. I have become disabled which means I've lost the job that I felt was more like a ministry than a job. I have had several surgeries that had some complications, one of which, I would have died had my daughter not stopped by the house to check on me as I was in acute renal failure with rhabdomyalisis and it ended up with me being sent back to St. Luke's in ICU and then to the same floor I had been on after my 3rd back surgery. Along with these issues, I have also been blessed with another beautiful granddaughter and was blessed to hear that she had my middle name which is also her mother's middle name and comes from my great great grandmother. Also, along with the disabilities comes a very sad dynamic... I cannot be trusted alone with the grandchildren because of all the "what if's" and I totally get it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something terrible happened while in my care. The truth be told, I have been having a lot of these problems for more than just this past 2 years... I had to come clean with myself and then seek medical help. I thank God that I never caused an accident on the highway when I cannot recall how I got from point A to point B. Praise Him for watching over us all! There was a horrible rift between my father and myself which has since been tentatively mended. I know how things go with him and as long as he feels that he isn't 'cast away' then all is well in his world. He is more involved with his daughter and their family and that gives him purpose and as sad as it is, at least its good for him to feel like that. What is so strange is that people can't understand that I am completely content being at home. I've always been a homebody and being that I cannot drive, I am very content to be at home. My husband keeps trying to convince me that I'm depressed. He claims that I am now mourning so many things that I never allowed myself to mourn about like the death of my grandmother, the death of my step-father (both of which I was their primary caregiver prior to their deaths) and the death of my daughter's 4th son after birth. These are all legitimate things to mourn about but I think that I've gotten through all of these situations as best as I can. The biggest thing that I mourn and no one can seem to understand is my loss of breath to sing. I once lead worship and now I can't even sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with my granddaughter. I know what everyone says... you can worship without singing, just do what you can. But no one understands the connection that I felt to the One I was worshipping and the 2 way ministry that was taking place at the time. I would say that is the one thing that I really struggle with and there is no one but God to talk to about it because everyone else wants to minimize it and don't appreciate the connection that was there. Another really big issue is this pain pump trial and how I have to see a psychologist first. After reading through the paperwork I was to fill out, I became very upset because I feel that most of it is none of their business and there are parts of it that are outright offensive to ask. Then my husband tells me if I don't play the 'game' by their rules, then I won't get the pain pump. I don't feel that I should have answer to some PhD about my sex life or my pain levels and where it is, etc. as this is documented with all of my doctors and has been an ongoing problem for so long I couldn't answer even if I wanted to. But when the subject of sex is brought up, I feel that is offensively invasive. Absolutely none of their business. Would any of YOU feel that this is something that you feel is important in reference to getting a pain pump? Seriously! So, though its been a while, I have tried to catch you up. This is definitely considered blithering! :-)