487B9348C69CC9D8D92B599B4521EDF8 BB's Blessings, Blunderings, & Blitherings: Blithering update!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Blithering update!

So its been a while since I've blithered so I thought I'd take the time to update you on where I am in life right now. I have become disabled which means I've lost the job that I felt was more like a ministry than a job. I have had several surgeries that had some complications, one of which, I would have died had my daughter not stopped by the house to check on me as I was in acute renal failure with rhabdomyalisis and it ended up with me being sent back to St. Luke's in ICU and then to the same floor I had been on after my 3rd back surgery. Along with these issues, I have also been blessed with another beautiful granddaughter and was blessed to hear that she had my middle name which is also her mother's middle name and comes from my great great grandmother. Also, along with the disabilities comes a very sad dynamic... I cannot be trusted alone with the grandchildren because of all the "what if's" and I totally get it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something terrible happened while in my care. The truth be told, I have been having a lot of these problems for more than just this past 2 years... I had to come clean with myself and then seek medical help. I thank God that I never caused an accident on the highway when I cannot recall how I got from point A to point B. Praise Him for watching over us all! There was a horrible rift between my father and myself which has since been tentatively mended. I know how things go with him and as long as he feels that he isn't 'cast away' then all is well in his world. He is more involved with his daughter and their family and that gives him purpose and as sad as it is, at least its good for him to feel like that. What is so strange is that people can't understand that I am completely content being at home. I've always been a homebody and being that I cannot drive, I am very content to be at home. My husband keeps trying to convince me that I'm depressed. He claims that I am now mourning so many things that I never allowed myself to mourn about like the death of my grandmother, the death of my step-father (both of which I was their primary caregiver prior to their deaths) and the death of my daughter's 4th son after birth. These are all legitimate things to mourn about but I think that I've gotten through all of these situations as best as I can. The biggest thing that I mourn and no one can seem to understand is my loss of breath to sing. I once lead worship and now I can't even sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with my granddaughter. I know what everyone says... you can worship without singing, just do what you can. But no one understands the connection that I felt to the One I was worshipping and the 2 way ministry that was taking place at the time. I would say that is the one thing that I really struggle with and there is no one but God to talk to about it because everyone else wants to minimize it and don't appreciate the connection that was there. Another really big issue is this pain pump trial and how I have to see a psychologist first. After reading through the paperwork I was to fill out, I became very upset because I feel that most of it is none of their business and there are parts of it that are outright offensive to ask. Then my husband tells me if I don't play the 'game' by their rules, then I won't get the pain pump. I don't feel that I should have answer to some PhD about my sex life or my pain levels and where it is, etc. as this is documented with all of my doctors and has been an ongoing problem for so long I couldn't answer even if I wanted to. But when the subject of sex is brought up, I feel that is offensively invasive. Absolutely none of their business. Would any of YOU feel that this is something that you feel is important in reference to getting a pain pump? Seriously! So, though its been a while, I have tried to catch you up. This is definitely considered blithering! :-)

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