Updated blitherings....

Apparently this is a continuation of one I posted earlier! LOL Family means different things to different people. It amazes me, at times, how people form families. Whether they are blood-related, or they are close enough to be family to each other in the absence of one's blood-relatives, or they somehow connect through groups such as church, military, work, college, or other organizations such at AA, or NA. People form families because we cannot live without some sort of family. In my case, my family is complicated and complex and I'm not very close with any particular person outside of my own created family... and that even is strained. There seems to have appeared an impasse that has arisen and I'm not quite sure how to overcome it. Without exposing too much information to protect the innocent, because of my disabilities, I am not trustworthy to leave your children with. While I agree that there is much merit in this statement, depending on the age of the child and how prepared that child has been made on how to use a telephone (most kids don't know that they once hung on a wall and not in your pocket/purse). The other thing that is hard to swallow is that its ok for these same children to come if my husband is home, yet the same parent has made numerous comments about how he wanted everyone to come and then he disappears upstairs in his office the whole time. But he would be within earshot if you needed something... uh, no, he would be outside playing with his lawnmower, et al. Or be upstairs, on his computer and not at hand for any type of help. So, now that the dynamics of my family life have changed because of my disabilities, how do I proceed? I have a husband that says things like "you can do whatever you put your mind to" and says "you're depressed" when neither are true... unless that's his ultimate goal of me becoming depressed. I am scheduled for a pain pump trial and I have a plethora of paperwork to fill out BEFORE the appointment and then it states that there will be 45-50 minutes of paperwork to fill out at the appointment! As I read through the questions, I got angrier, and angrier, which he claims is a mood swing, at the invasiveness of the questions and the repetition of the questions. Keep in mind, I have been seeing doctors pertaining to my multiple problems for a number of years so my pain should be well documented. For some psychologist to as the same redundant questions is something I'm not willing to do. And even if I were willing, I don't know the date this pain first started, and the date that pain began, et al. And then the most intrusive questioning about our sex life. My answer to that is a resounding NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS! So, my husband groups me into a group of depressed people because I don't want to 'play nice in the sandbox of psychotherapy". I told him that he is welcome to fill out his own questionnaires and see how he feels but he's good at just fudging the info... if they ask a date, he'll make one up. Then, because I want to learn to shoot and to be armed at home and eventually getting a concealed carry permit. Disabled people are easy marks and we don't have to be! And when I joined a legitimate organizations, he hit the roof! He was afraid I would accidentally shoot him and the most insulting is that he is afraid I would shoot myself! I have no intentions of doing either! But since in his mind, I'm depressed, then I could lose it one day and just shoot myself. I reminded him that I'm on so many medications that if I really was interested in doing terminal harm to myself, its at my fingertips. So who is being illogical here? I'm on 33 medications of which 3 are OTC prescribed meds. Traditionally, women who want to kill themselves usually use meds to do it, not shooting themselves or hanging themselves. Are there variations, sure... but overall, its men that shoot themselves or hang themselves. (Interestingly, he's never mentioned the hanging option that I have at my fingertips every day... just shooting myself.) So here I am, rambling on and on about nothing others really care about. But its cathartic to me to some degree. I may have gotten some of it out, its still there, below the surface, always feeling misunderstood and being accused wrongly of things by those who claim to know me best? Really? I feel like you don't know me at all.